Life finally caught up

Well, I knew life would finally get the better of me soon enough. And it did unfortunately.
Some of you may know I haven't been doing too well. And I'm guessing some people may have sensed that I haven't been myself lately. Truthfully I haven't for a long time. I've been feeling very confused, and scared, left behind, I'm a failure, and like there's nothing I can do to stop it. People always say "You're not the one who redeems yourself" but if I don't, I feel like I could care less. But if I do, I feel like I'm trying too hard.
And I'll admit gymnastics has been a huge part of building me up, then dropping me suddenly, and without warning. Ever since then life hasn't been normal for me, and it has been boring and hard, and quite confusing. I almost feel like I was told to just simply wait. But in a dark cave, and I'm surrounded by confusion and lies, and there's no light. So, somewhere along the lines I decided to stop waiting, went deeper and darker into the cave, and when I was finally found, the only relief I got was another "wait". But the guilt and lies still weigh down on me. I'm scared to move, for fear I won't be found again, but I'm scared to stay, for fear no one will ever come for me. Either way I feel trapped, and like I'm being forced to make a descion I simply can't make. And I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of my descions, and what they could do to me and the people around me. 
I just realized today I've put on a mask from both friends and family. And even on here. And that also scares me... I honestly just want hope that I will be found again, and that maybe there's still hope for me, because I feel lost and completely hopeless right now; and I feel like a failure, and my failures will never leave me again. And the lies I'm being told are hurting me, but I can't seem to block them out....

Sorry guys for all this... I guess I just needed to get it out finally. Sorry y'all had to be the ones for me to rant to.

*hugs tightly* 

That's what we're here for!

Do whatever you need to do, hun. ♥ 

You don't have to apologize for letting emotions out ;D We're here for ya!
If you ever need someone to lend an ear, feel free to PM me c:

I’m here for ya. I know where your coming from too. 

I'm sorry that you're feeling like this, I hope it gets better for you and remember I'll always be ready to listen ♥