i'm terribly distressed

there have been a lot of events taking place in my life recently, one of them being my new horse, Timber.
let me give some backgroud for the both of us.
i have not been doing well at all. i've been dealing with depression and suicide for almost a year now, along with some emtional abuse and if I'm being honest, it's a literal miracle I've made it this far. i went into counseling for about a month, but then i was forced out of it because of the horse we bought.
as for Timber, he is a 14-year old stubborn fjord/quarter horse mix, green broke, rescued, and..... well I'm slightly convinced he's not actually a horse. he just doesn't act like one. he steps on his own hooves and over eats way too much; his life sort of revolves around food. he's 16hh and has no sense of personal space. he's an amazing boi, but a handful if i've ever met one.
anyways
so my parents bought him to help "cure my depression". he was the first and only horse we looked at. if i'm being honest, i didn't feel safe around him and therefore didn't want to buy him, but i felt pressured to as everyone was saying he loves me so much and we're perfect together and honestly? i don't think my mom would've let me say no to him anyways. do i blame anyone else? no, it was my fault. i should've fought for both of us and said no to him.
i've had him for two months now, and i've made.... little to no progress. i follow the clinton anderson method, which i've used on multiple horses in the past and i've seen it done with other horses as well, but Timber just doesn't get it. he doesn't understand that when i say to move away he needs to move away. he follows me everywhere and never gives me space. which is fine until he bonks me over or gets pushy. i've tried making it clear to him that i don't approve but he just isn't getting it. i've spent two months doing groundwork and it just feels like he's getting more aggitated and confused by the second. and i'm blaming myself for that because i feel like i'm just not working to my best being depressed and such? 
he's also majorly insecure in himself. i've never seen a horse so insecure, confused, clingy and frightened in my life. i know nothing about his background, so i can't understand what's causing him to be this way? he just... doesn't act like a horse. he doesn't comprehend like a horse normally would either? idk how to explain it but i've been around a ton of horses in my life and never have i seen one this awkward. i don't think it's bad necessarily, i just wish i knew a bit more about him so that i could understand why he does the things that he does, yknow? i want to understand what's going through his brain so that i can build off that. but i just can't figure him out. 

my mom is also.... very attached to him. and mean to me. as a result, she's constantly telling me i don't bathe him enough (he likes to get dirty and it's pretty dry here rn so he's a dust bath xD), she says i need to just ride him all the time and to get over my fears (he's green broke, therefore i can't "ride" him. i need to train him first? and ngl i have a terrible fear of horses rn bc Heidi bucked me off so much?), says i'm mean to her bc i don't let her brush his tail or give him treats (i actually haven't told her she can't brush his tail??? i told her that once and that was just because i was trying to get him comfortable with his surroundings and having two humans around him {one being very scared of horses aka my mom} when he's nervous can just cause extra stress), along with some other things that... aren't making me feel great. I already feel like [censored] from her abuse at home, i don't really need her telling me i suck with my own horse

anyways, the past two months have made both me and Timber very discouraged. i can tell he's starting to get mad at me and i'm starting to get scared of him mostly bc my brain equates him with my mom's comments and i just can't handle it. i feel like a jack*ss for ever buying him if i'm being honest, and the weight of screwing up is killing me. our failure as partners is making me more suicidal and depressed, and the fact that i can't be given a chance to properly concentrate on him bc my mom is constantly nitpicking us is just... hard. it's all gone downhill and i'm just not sure what to do anymore. i can train horses, but all confidence i had before got murdered and i'm just tired, stressed and scared. i would sell him to someone better for his sake, but my mom wouldn't let me, and if she did, she'd say the worst things to me that would just hurt me more.
im stuck between and bad place and a bad place and i don't know what to do other than give up

Oh what a troubled situation. You are right that you never should have said yes to getting a horse you weren't feeling comfortable with. 

My best suggestion is to have a professional trainer work with him if you haven't had any success or tell your mom that he isn't the right horse for you and that you don't feel safe around him. If you aren't feeling safe with him then he isn't feeling safe with you and that can turn into a very dangerous situation for both of you. 

^^^ He definitely needs a professional trainer. He sounds like he's been through a lot before you got him. Horses like that need help, but they can be dangerous unless they're in the hands of someone with plenty of experience.

But you need to find help for yourself as well. What you're going through can't be 'cured' by just interacting with a horse. Maybe some horses can help but they're not a cure-all. If you could somehow get back into counseling with a good, dependable counselor, that will make things better for you. Counseling isn't a cure either, but being able to talk it out with someone who can give professional advice is very important when you're depressed and suicidal. If you feel like explaining what's wrong and how this is making you feel to your mother won't work, is there anyone else you can talk to who can help you out of this situation? Any friends or other family members?


I can't just assume what your mother is like but, she sounds very similar to mine. If so, I guess I kinda know how trapped you feel. You deserve to be happier than this. ♥

i want to get him a trainer but unfortunately my work pay does not cut the costs and neither of my parents would pitch in
my mom would also never let me sell him and would tell me to get over myself 

If your parents are not willing to pitch in for a professional, then explain - as calmly as you can - that you will have to sell him. Explain that he has most likely been neglected or mistreated in some fashion and you are not a horse expert, you're a horse enthusiast. If you are over 18, this is not a question of 'letting you sell him'. You are an adult. If you are under 18, there are still some things you can do - do not feel pressured into riding him, whatever you do. Spend time with him, don't neglect his basic care, but don't ride him. 

Your mom is attached to the horse - encourage her to spend time with him, without you there, when you're not trying to work with him. That might make you feel more comfortable, if she's not there making comments.

Lastly and most importantly, it doesn't sound like your horse is the problem, it sounds like your parents and the way they treat you is. I would try asking the folks at r/JUSTNOFAMILY for advice with this, too. They might have some good suggestions.

Be well, take care of yourself and your horse.

I have no horses of my own (tried to get my mother to buy a Saddlebred as a kid to show and she said no.) I do however have experience with depression. I was in an abusive relationship with my sons dad for 6 years. When he was born, my life felt better; but then his dad stopped helping. He turned to weed and would sit in front of his computer and wouldn’t clean or cook. All of my money went to my house, my son, and my car. Three years ago, it was totaled in an accident and I was two days past due on my insurance. After it got repossessed, my life spiraled. I was 215 lbs (I’m 5ft tall) suicidal and unmedicated with my Bipolar. I met my husband the following year, and he urged me to seek counseling. I have been with my therapist almost 2 years now, and I’ve never looked back. I actually use an app called ReGain. It’s wonderful because I don’t have to physically see her, although she does offer in person sessions. It fits in my work schedule (I work 10am-8:30pm) and it’s inexpensive. I’m here for any kind of support ♥ I really do know what it’s like to feel trapped in your mind. Sending many hugs and well wishes! You’ve got this!!