There's been a lot going on

There's a 98% chance this is never gonna get posted but might as well try
I have been pretty quiet lately, except for in the rps and with a few great friends on here, but overall I've not really been doing much. Art's been a bit slow, I locked all my horses, for the most part I've been dead. I made a forum post not terribly long ago informing everyone I was still alive, and then I got pretty quiet again lol.
There's been a lot going on in life recently, and it's been getting me very down. Gosh, I don't even know where to start anymore. It's all been happening at the same time.
I'll start with riding. So, I re-started riding in like... May? And I kept it up for a good long while. I think I covered most of everything in that one one "I'm back" forum post, but as a summary- I fell in love with a horse, and wanted to start a career in training horses. I did a ton of research, worked with some horses- it was going pretty well. And then I got put on Heidi. Yes, I did a forum post about that horse. I got thrown off her again and hurt myself very badly so I told my instructor I wasn't riding her again. My instructor got a little hurtful and said some pretty mean things. I was also being bullied by another rider at the barn and so I decided it was time for me to leave. I haven't started riding since. Unfortunately all the other riding barns near here are just too expensive, and so I decided I'd just quit riding forever.
The bullying that was going on was aimed at my personality, and was being caused by my best friend. Or at least I thought he was. But what was said caused me to doubt a lot about myself, and generally just made me kind of resent myself for existing? On top of that a few other people I know have been saying things and I just feel crappy about myself now. So, I did the obvious thing- I started shutting myself in my room and not talking to anyone. I went into depression and started having anxiety and panic attacks over nothing. My mom hasn't been too supportive of me over this time either, and has said a few choice things that has just made it worse. I'm getting by ok, but I can't get professional help at all. Luckily, I have some amazing friends on here that have been great enough to bear with me ♥ 
Unfortunately, from all the stress, school has not been a main priority. I've been feeling to overwhelmed and exhausted to even do it, so I'm not getting good grades. That's not making my dad happy at all. I don't have any way of explaining myself to my family because of some personal stuffs, so they've just been thinking I don't care about school. That's getting hard.
Sleep has been torment, and I'm not doing well physically. I'm having a lot of stomach pains and chest pains, and I finally just got my mom to agree to take me to the doctor, but she for the most part just thinks I'm being dramatic, which is making me even more mad at myself. To top it off, I've been feeling very needy and just in general I've been mad at who I am and it's been making everything in life very harmful.
So yeah. It's been quite the ride.
But I'm open to just chitchat or anything if anyone wants to talk. I'm still tryna cling to the hope that it'll all turn up in the future. 
See y'all 

Aww Rainy. ♥

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so rough for you. Mental illness is such a struggle, especially on top of everything else going on in your life. As far as riding goes, I doubt it'll be something you never do again. Your dream has been dealt a big blow, but with any luck it will be temporary. You won't be living in the same place forever; there's a chance you could talk to your instructor about how you're feeling and work things out with them. I know hope is hard to see through the lens of depression, from both personal experience and that of friends. But there is hope. There are people out there who will see and love you for who you are. There are people who care. The road seems long, and perhaps it will be, but you don't have to walk it alone. You aren't alone. I promise that you aren't alone.