Large Art + Story :>

I recently made a document for all my characters, putting them all in one herd. I created backstories, refined personalities, and intertwined their lives all together. After finishing this little project [I only have 12 characters], I saw a free lineart by Darya87 on Deviantart that reminded me of one of the backstories. So I colored it in. Before I show it to you, I'm going to give you some background. If you don't want to do a bunch of reading, just scroll down. xD 

Chava Valley is home to a herd of horses, almost all of which came there in need. It is a safe place, where horses are protected and can start a new life. Fitting, because Chava means "life." Every new horse that wanders into the valley and joins the herd is welcomed, soon becoming a part of the family. There is a broad range of personalities within the herd, and all different sorts of pasts. 
Pippin, a member of the herd, is the horse featured in the art. He is always laughing, smiling, joking, and sometimes pranking others. He is brave, willing to throw himself in the way of death if it will save those he loves. Despite his happy exterior, Pippin is very broken within. Here is his backstory [this is a bigger chunk so ye]:

Pippen was a wild pony. He wasn’t scared of humans, no way. While the two-legged creatures fascinated him, he preferred to watch on the right side of the fence. The free side. He was observing a young human filly one day from the shadows of the trees when she glanced up and saw him. Pippen turned to run away like he always did, but his foot got snagged and he fell hard. He stood, but his foot was stuck. The girl raced over, and Pippen struggled ever harder. “Sh, sh,” the girl soothed. For some reason, Pippen calmed down. “Your foot got stuck in a trap for little animals. My father sells the pelts. Here, let me help.” She bent and released his hoof. For a moment, they stood there. Girl and one year old pony. Slowly, she raised and stretched out her hand. Pippen watched, mesmerized. He had seen humans do it before, but never longed to know how it felt before now. He blinked when her hand gently rested on his nose. He breathed in her scent. It was pleasant, and so was her touch. “Hi, boy,” she said softly. “Good boy.” She lowered her hand and smiled at him before going back to her house. Pippen met with the girl under the shadows of the trees often after that. His love for her grew in his heart, and hers for him likewise. She never once tried to bring him into their barn or paddock, where two other horses grazed. She respected his freeness, and he loved her for it. Pippen was lying near the house one night when he was wakened by a crackling noise. He blinked and looked toward the dwelling. Light blinded him, and smoke filled his nostrils. Fire! He scrambled to his feet and peered into the window closest - the girl’s window. She was still inside, trapped. Fire blazed behind her door, and she couldn’t open the window. Pippin raced toward the house and reared, planning on kicking the window open so the girl could escape. A deafening blow rang in his ears and he was thrown backward. Dazed, he looked up again. Fire poured from the window, licking at the sky. An explosion had ripped through the room. Pippin raced back over, getting as close as he could, prancing nervously. He stood there pacing until the fire died down. The father had escaped, Pippen had vaguely noted. He looked through the soot-covered window frame. Blackened bones sat in a pile just inside. Pippen was blinded by pain, and stumbled into the woods. He walked for who knows how long. Days, weeks. He didn’t know. He arrived in a valley, and a horse his age, a year old, trotted over to greet him. The yearling’s name was Charlie. He smiled and told Pippin that all were welcome in their little herd, and a mare had just joined a few weeks ago. Pippin became a part of the herd, and his pain faded enough for him to return back to his laughing, joking self. But below all that still churned the pain of the girl’s death and his inability to save her.

Now here's the large art, featuring Pippin and the girl.


It's titled "Memories" because this isn't a piece of when it actually happened, it's Pippen looking back at this time. That explains the sad look in his eyes.

I may do more art with my characters from the herd in Chava Valley. If I do I'll try to have it reflect their backstories. Thanks for stopping by!

Last edited on 2018-01-15 at 13:05:18 by Oswin

despite it only being a short story, I was actually really sad when the girl died because of the imagery... well done!

Thanks, that means a lot. c:

It's an amazing story, it was kind of long, but that's to be expected. xD

It was.......... very deep. I'm still trying for it to really sink in, it took a looooong time to read it all, but so worth it. :)

Thanks. :> 

Cute art, cute story. ^^ However, it would be a lot easier to read if you split it into paragraphs. I'd also like to spend more time getting to know the girl. Her death isn't that sad because I didn't have enough time to get to know her. You did a good job of explaining the world through the eyes of a horse, and I got a sense of why the horse trusted her, but there wasn't enough time for the bond to really grow. I'd work on the pacing, and describe a scene of the two playing together so that when she dies her death hits that much harder.

I think the story also ended in the wrong spot, or maybe there just wasn't enough lead-up to Pippen finding the herd. It did feel planned on the author's part, but it happened too quickly. We didn't get to see Pippen mourning, which also kept me from truly feeling his girl's death. Maybe describe something about herd life that reminds him of her and how much he misses her. The couple of short scenes were definitely the most powerful points of the story. You write a good scene, so capitalize on that.

One other thing - how did he know the father would try to capture him? You tell us that the father would try to capture him, but you don't show us how Pippen knows that. If you clarify that, this would be a good chance for conflict, if you wanted to go that route. Show his struggle between the need for freedom and the need for his girl. However, I would remove the part about him trying to capture him altogether. Right now, the story's split up between two conflicts, when it seems that the heart of the story is the girl's death (based on your description and the large art). Don't make the reader focus on the smaller conflict; it just detracts from the sadness of the second, more important one. The story won't be hurt by the father not being the bad guy; in fact I think it would be made stronger in many ways, as I just described.

(e) I have a few smaller points I could add if you wanted, but they're not as important as I feel the ones I described above are.

Last edited on 2018-01-15 at 00:59:58 by Syrien 🐇 ☽

Thanks for the tips! I just took the backstory I had written and pasted it here. I've been thinking about writing each of their stories more in-depth, and I might end up doing so. If I do another, I'll keep your suggestions in mind when writing out the story. Thanks again!

No problem. Always glad to help a fellow writer out. : )