My Confidence Gone..

This is kind of a vent, I just need some advice on how to build up confidence.
My trainer definetly believes in tough love, she's fairly strict and is pretty scary not gonna lie.  I'm always afraid of messing up, but we have a fairly good relationship out of the saddle.  For the past month I've had awful lessons that leave me feeling like crying because I can't do anything right.  Today was my tipping point, she decided to up the stakes and make me do a more advanced eq type course and I got extremely nervous and couldn't get it right.  We demolished a jump, cantered a roll back on the wrong lead and just generally were a mess.  She got extremely annoyed with this and screamed at me more than she's ever screamed at anyone and threatened to end my lesson early and got mad that I didn't have any response after. It was all very overwhelming and I felt awful and started tearing up (from nerves and feeling like I was the worst rider ever) She told me to do the course again, I blinked back my tears and she yelled at me to not cry. I did the course correctly and she ended my lesson (10 minutes early).  
I just don't know what to do.  I know she's probably only doing this because she wants to me succeed and she "sees potential" but every lesson just makes me loose more and more confidence.  I can never get things right whenever she's around and it's making me dread my lessons.  I really don't want to leave my barn because I love my barn family and up until now I had minimal problems with my trainer.  I don't even feel like showing this month anymore because I feel like it's going to go awfully, heck I don't even feel like going out to the barn to hack my pony tomorrow.  I just don't have any confidence anymore

Last edited on 2022-07-07 at 01:22:58 by tragician.

This is why I quit horse riding lol. I've never been an overly confident person either (but I was a terrible rider lol) and the 'tough love' thing just made me feel like a failure, especially compared to my friend I rode with who had natural talent...

Either talk to her about it, or find a new trainer. I suppose you ride for the enjoyment of it not for money lol? People will come and go, what's important is that you always have fun and enjoy what you're doing. If it's not your career then it shouldn't be causing you that much stress.

I feel confidence comes naturally with time - I was very shy when I was young, very worried of what people would think of me and figured anyone who was older knew better than I did. Now, as I'm older I realize age =/= wisdom and even experience is no excuse to treat another person like that.

If you feel she has the best intentions, and get along well out of the saddle I would approach it with her sometime casually. If she understands you'll feel your confidence grow just from standing up for yourself. If she doesn't, then it isn't your fault, and you need to realize a situation like this can be toxic.

Actually I'd like to share with you a story my Mum (a musician) told me to put it into perspective, possibly not exact as I only remember the gist of it XD

A professional orchestra were to play under a famous conductor travelling in from overseas, who was known to be incredibly strict.
All the players in the orchestra were top, with many years of experience playing on stage under their belts. Despite this, the conductor managed to find fault with them and chose to pick on one trumpet player in particular.

Every time the trumpet player made this one small mistake, he would point him out and make a scene of it in front of the other members of the orchestra.

When it came time to the actual performance, the trumpet player was so nervous about this one mistake, he ended up playing horribly and ruined the whole thing.
This was a professional player who had played this piece many times before...

Just to let you know that it's not just you, it doesn't reflect on you at all, and this kind of situation is incredibly common!

Grrrr. This frustrates me greatly - a good trainer should know how to augment his/her teaching style to best fit their students with potential. If they see that screaming their heads off at you is making it worse, it doesn't take a lot of effort to...stop...screaming. Are you able to find another trainer?

No advice really just wanted to commiserate. I used to be very shy when I was younger, especially in my lessons. One day my trainer pushed 14yo me over the ledge with her swearing (yup) at me, and I rode to the middle, dismounted, picked up some horse poop (yup) and threw it at her while screaming "how do you like getting **** thrown at you for once?!?! I'm not your husband or your dog!!!" I then led the horse I was riding out the arena into the barn, took care of the horse, and hid in her stall for about an hour and cried because I was scared I'd never be allowed to ride again. >.>

It sounds like maybe you're pushing yourself too hard and too fast. Training and riding green horses isn't easy, let alone getting ready to show them. I don't know how experienced of a rider you are, but you mention that its your first time doing some things, as well as your horse's first time. With both of you being inexperienced its not realistic or fair for you to expect yourself or your horse to get it all right.

My suggestion would be to take a step back, analyze your skills and progress so far and find areas of weakness. Start going over your fundamentals again, and gradually work your way up from there. Its important too that you don't see this as a failure, just as the next thing you need to master to reach your goals. As for your trainer, she should understand if you talk to her. If not, well, there are lots of barns and trainers out there. Maybe this one isn't your best fit. Remember why you are doing this in the first place. My guess is that it's probably for enjoyment, fun, and personal growth. Besides, no one ever gets good at anything without making hundreds and hundreds of mistakes. Keep that in mind, you don't have to get it all right at once.

Last edited on 2017-01-02 at 22:43:14 by Iðunn

i, personally, strongly thrive in tough love relationships. probably because i was raised with them.
in my household, if you made a mistake, you owned up to it and fixed it. there were no "oh, it's okay, try it again!" situations. i have further raised myself to be held to the highest standard of perfection possible in whatever it is i'm doing. it's why i'm the top student in my grade and all my classes and have had Ivy League colleges trying to recruit me since 10th grade. all of that confidence in school is willing to transfer to the barn, but only if i feel comfortable there. it's all about comfort.

from the sounds of things, your trainer is the kind i don't like. i, personally, don't like the showing aspect of riding and never will. that's not where my pride comes from. my pride comes from taking any horse through difficult jump courses and through a cross country field in record time. i showed a few times when i was younger and probably never will again.

i always am very... particular about my trainers. in my life, i've had several but only a couple of those are people i can say i genuinely liked and got along with.
i will never train with a man. personal preference. well, unless i got the chance to ride with Boyd Martin or Phillip Dutton (i've met both of them already) or something.

there have been 2 trainers i've had that stick out to me and one of them i'm still close with. she's basically a second mom to me and she was never overly hard on me, but she'd push me out of my comfort zones because she could tell i wanted to be out of them but just didn't know a way out. she changed me as a rider.

that all said, i do hate when a trainer doesn't seem to know that all of their riders will not be the same. there are always different background experiences, personalities, confidence levels, riding experiences, and horses to every rider.
if a trainer isn't fit to accommodate those needs, then they shouldn't be training people with different needs.
-shrug-

some of the barns i've seen specify the kinds of riders they can take on.

most importantly though, a barn and the people there have to feel like a home and a second family. if you feel out of place, you won't be at your full potential. if you're not at your full potential, your riding skills and confidence may lack.

edit: just recently, i was trying to do a very difficult canter exercise on a fairly green pony where we cantered in on the correct lead, slowed to a trot on a dime, picked up the incorrect lead for three strides, and then changed back to the correct lead all down the one long side of the arena. during this exercise, i found myself on the ground after trying (and failing) to pick up the incorrect lead (the horse spooked at a truck going by, my trainer told me. nothing my fault). however, just after falling off and landing hard on my back (woke up the next day with severe aches and pains), i got back on and did the exercise again and did it perfectly, not a single problem. so i know about being very frustrated when you get something difficult wrong. your trainer should not have handled it like that, definitely.
i don't think i'm expressing myself correctly here. but i'll just toss out there that if you ever need to talk or complain about lessons or horses, talk to me. i'm always looking for someone to horse talk with!


Last edited on 2017-01-03 at 10:14:41 by ʟᴇᴀʜ

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