Book Critique?

Hm, says it's not found! :C

Should be fixed. :)

Nice! You've got potential. :) I love writing too, although my books are historical fantasy.

It's a pretty good start! The only big criqitue I'd have to say is add more description - anything non-action/dialogue. Also, with this, you should change it from present-tense to past.

Books written in first person (I/my/we/us instead of she/her/they) are notorious for being a little choppy and repetitive because, well, I is often overused. This is getting to the point of that almost, it doesn't read quite as smoothly as it should. Describe where they're walking, the look of the hallway, add thoughts and opinions and fillers in between. Actually, Twilight's first chapter (you can read it online) is a decent example of what I mean - Bella starts out talking about herself, her mom, and the trip, then describes the place she's moving to with some good imagery and dry humor. Then she gives her thoughts, which is an okay place to use "I" for because she's talking about things other than herself.

Your writing is good, but it's a little one-note and reads more like a teen movie script than a "book".

Especially since it's present tense, aka "I look" instead of "I looked." That, overall, just makes it really difficult to keep writing. You'll avoid a lot of I-spam and flatness if you make it past tense instead - that way you can give your character's thoughts and descriptions more easily as well, and it's just a much better style of writing in general!

Please take this as constructive criticism rather than poking at every wrong thing. And even then, this is just my own opinion and knowledge!

I do have to say I like the friendly kids-growing-up thing with Malachi, and the fact it all seems lighthearted instead of being a mushy dramatic romance.

Another small thing as well- avoid things like "cream-colored", especially since the rainbow hair is in the same sentence. Cream works just as well, and looks better! You could also take it up a notch and say "multicolored rainbow hair as bright as a box of Lucky Charms", or use colors to help set the mood, like how blue = sad, dreary, dark and green = fresh, bright, happy, something fun :P

@Zell - That's exactly what I was looking for critique-wise! Thank you so much for the input.

I haven't read all of the story, but I wanted to say that there's nothing wrong with writing in present tense, or using first person rather than third. They're simply used for different things. It all depends on what you're trying to get across, and it's always good to experiment with different tenses and points of view. The main thing to watch out for is not to mix up your tenses. It's a common problem to lapse into past tense while using present (or vice-versa) and that's where the problem starts.

I'll come back to offer more advice after I finish reading your story. :)

I love it! Maybe just keep adding more and add a little more detail!