Kind of need to talk this out...sorry....

This may be a touchy subject to some people!
Today while I was at the barn, my mum came to pick me up, how nice. I was grooming down my horse after she had gotten really sweaty during a lesson, and she suddenly said "There was another suicide in 'GH' (town right next to mine where a bunch of my friends go to school)."
This marks four since January. She was in 7th grade.
I've been crying all night, as it just hit me. I've been there so many times. So, so, SO many times. How I've seen friends and family of the victims react makes the whole seem kind of selfish. Selfish for taking yourself out of this world where so many people love you. And I know that probably sounds super insensitive, but it's what I've realized is the truth.
I've been down the road of depression/suicide, and thinking of what people would think, and how remorseful they would feel is the only thing that's stopped me.
I'm sorry this post is kind of all over the place but I really needed to let go of some of these feelings. Like I said, I've been crying all night.
I'm sorry :(((

I am so sorry. Hugs to you, if you need anyone, PM me

I'm very sorry that happened :( Suicide may seem selfish but when you're in a bad enough state to truly consider it, often you don't think "how will others get along without me?" Many times the act is a cry for help and people just end up succeeding. Obviously this is a very simplified explanation of an extremely serious situation, but something to consider when it happens. One can never possibly know what's going through another's mind, but always be there and supportive for people. It does more good than you realize.

Considering my aunt committed suicide the day after my birthday last year because a person she had a restraining order against stalked, harassed, and threatened her, knowing exactly how to press her mental illness buttons... not really selfish. She had nowhere else to go, no friends, couldn't get in contact with anybody. It was literally her only option. It broke us, yeah. But we're more angry at that man...

I certainly hope I don't get into trouble for this. I know it's really very sensitive and scary but, depression and suicidal tendencies are something I'm passionate about because I've been there and I know how bad it can get. Anyway, I thought it might help you, or anyone really, to hopefully understand a bit more if I shared what my personal experience with extreme depression has been like.

For me, it's almost obsessive negative thoughts that never stop. "I'm fat. I'm lazy. No one loves me. They wouldn't even notice I'm gone. I'm just a waste of air. The only friends I have are only around me because they pity me. They don't really like me. They don't want me around. Look how often they do stuff together but never invite me." Believe me... I know those thoughts all too well. It doesn't end.

Then comes the sleeplessness. The exhaustion that you can never sate because the moment your head hits the pillow, every embarrassing moment, every harsh word, every perceived slight comes pouring into your memory, reinforcing all those negative self images. And it keeps going and going and going, replaying over and over until you break and sob into the dark silence of the night, hoping to God that you won't wake in the morning because you can't bear another day of it.

And then you wake up. And you sob some more because clearly you've done something to hack God off that he'd leave you in this torment. And no one, not family or friend seems to see your agony. No one cares. No reaches out to you to help. They go on with their days, happy and healthy and they look at you like "Oh no. Here she comes. Miss Debbie Downer."

Yep. I've been there. It put me in a psychiatric hospital because I was at the jumping off place. It's not something that time alone will heal. It's something that requires a psychologist, and often medication. There is no shame or blame in seeing a psychologist, either. It doesn't make you crazy and is nothing to be ashamed of.

It took a long time for me to get to a point where I could somewhat function normally. To be able to wake up in the morning and not sob for hours, hyperventilating because I had to face another day of pain. And in that time came a lot of counseling and learning about myself. What I could handle, what I couldn't, what triggered my anxiety, why it triggered my anxiety, how to deal with it when it happened.

I still have bad days, though, where those thoughts creep in and threaten to consume me. Even though I'm aware of why it's happening, it's still very hard to fight and very hard to express out loud. The emotional pain can almost literally force you into silence because it just hurts too much and you don't know how to say it.

From talking to the others that I was with in the hospital, I discovered that we were all fairly on the same page. It's not that we wanted to die and leave behind everyone we loved. It's that we were in so much pain and didn't see an end in sight. We just wanted it over. To not feel the hurt anymore.

So please. Please, please, please. If you are struggling with depression or even think you are, find a licensed psychologist to talk to. Believe me, they aren't there to judge you. They're there to help and have even been trained to know how to help. Or at the very least, see your family doctor about it. Please. With all my heart. Know that depression is a very serious issue that should be taken with equal gravity.

to quote you, mouse :

"If you are struggling with depression or even think you are, find a licensed psychologist to talk to. Believe me, they aren't there to judge you. They're there to help and have even been trained to know how to help."

now coming from someone who has been battling severe depression since 2009, and has had suicidal thoughts and got rid of them only for them to return to me this past week (Its gotten bad again)
I've gotta put my input as well, or not even that, but more of a question to your statement up there.

what about us that literally physically and mentally CANNOT trust ANYONE.
AT ALL. No psychologists, no therapists, no friends, or family, or doctors.
because you've tried in the past to have them turn around and BREAK that patient/doctor confidentiality and tell your family everything you say or do whilst in sessions? Only to have your family tell you "you're freaking psycho" "you should be in a mental hospital for your life" bla bla bla. So now you cant trust anyone. literally physically incapable, even if you try?

what happens then? who do we turn to? Ive talked to a few friends over the internet, because they can't physically get to me. but what if i didnt have te internet, or a phone, or even a few friends from it? What do i do then?

its a sad option, and i hate myself every time i break free from the shadows that grip me and my thoughts and steer me to it. I cry over it. i lose control and i curl up with my knees in my chest and i rock back and forth whilst i cry because im in such a sad state.
trust me, its not something (at least not in my experience) that i enjoy. it's sad, it hurts, and it is a nightmare that is a reality.
a lot of us though, those that do go and succeed in it, they had no better options at the time, no one will ever truly know the struggles going on through their minds.
how do some of us remain strong though? Is it hope that lights us in our darkest times?
i know for me, my dog and my snakes come to mind and i fight my darkness and my demons, because without me, they'd get sent to the shelter to die. some of us don't have that option, some of us cant think of anything worth fighting for.

sometimes, i feel like they're selfish, like when a friend of mine did it himself... i was angry with him, because how could he? how could he abandon me, his little sister, hihs mother like that? How dare he. But when i went through it, i understood, and now, i empathize, and i sympathize, but i also try to help if i can. because, as happy as my face mask is painted to be, i am always dying and crying inside and i actually do know how it is.

I'm not sure about where you are, but I was born and raised in Oklahoma. When I started seeing my psychologist, even though I was a minor, for her to speak to my parents about anything that went on in our sessions, I had to sign a consent form.

The fact that a family doctor or psychologist would break confidentiality makes me very angry and I feel those people should have their licenses revoked pending investigation.

As for family reacting badly, I'm afraid that just seems to go with the territory. When I went in to Laureate, my dad's mother was telling everyone at her church that I had become psychotic. -shakes head- People don't understand it. They think we have a choice in it. Like we can just suck it up and will ourselves to get better. And in my experience, people lash out at what they don't understand.

As for trust issues, boy do I get that. Almost everyone I've ever let into my life has hurt me in the most epic ways. It's very hard for me to let new people in, but for some reason I still try. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. Maybe I'm just more afraid of being alone than I am of being used and hurt. I don't honestly know.

And as far as why some of us soldier on while others opt out, your guess is as good as mine. For me, it wasn't hope. It was willful defiance. I don't like things controlling me. Not even my emotions. So I learned to shut it down. To power through it. Even now, I can stop myself from feeling overwhelming grief and stop the tears before they have a chance to escape. It takes extreme concentration to just let it wash over me like a tidal wave and ride it out until it recedes and I become calm again. It usually takes me several minutes to bring myself under control, and it's very tiring sometimes. But that's partially how I get through it. Best way I can describe it is I've basically turned myself into a Vulcan.

I've also learned how to plaster on the happy face because other people need me to be ok. -shrugs- It's just what it is, I suppose. At the very least, I'm used to it.

I hope that answered you to your satisfaction. It's 3:21 am and I'm exhausted but insomnia has settled in for the night so I'm having issues with coherent thought and understanding at the moment. Odds are, I'll be mindlessly watching a Disney movie in a few minutes.